The Nostalgia Offset

I had a bad day yesterday. Emotionally, I mean. New Years is always a rough time for me. It’s the anniversary of beginning my transition, amongst other things, so for me the usual new-year ennui gets magnified into, sometimes, full-blown despair. Yesterday was that. When I get like that, I can tell myself a thousand times that things aren’t that bad (and they aren’t) but I still need to find a balm until it passes.

That balm is usually nostalgia. So I engaged in numerous forms of it last night. Now, I’m… Generation Modem. On the cusp of Gen X and Millennial, and yet not quite either. So for me, my nostalgia salve was these: An old-style video game I love. A ’90s low-budget film about feelings. A playlist of ’90s music. Listening to a pile of ’90s .mod, .s3m, .xm and other tracker files.

As I bathed in these and began to feel a little bit better. Then as I watched “Singles”, Cameron Crowe’s sophomore and one of many little ’90s films about Feelings I hadn’t seen before, and “Slacker”, a film I know I love… I had a funny realisation.

Image result for slacker movie vhs
Slacker
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Four Years

Exactly four years ago (probably close to the minute – I was incredibly fastidious about taking my pills on time early on), I began feminising hormone therapy.

I still remember being terrified – I planned to start on the 1st of January, but after utterly failing to sleep on the night of the 30th, I decided ‘fuck it’, and began early.

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Nice Girl, Pretty Girl

I walk through the supermarket entrance, making a bee-line for the carrying baskets. As I pass an old man walking up to the information counter, I notice him dropping a twenty dollar note. The cashier notices too, and pauses briefly, obviously conflicted about leaving her booth or returning the money to the man.

I reach down, grab the note, smile at the cashier and quickly approach the man. “Excuse me,” I say. “I think you dropped this.”

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Blogging, Redux

Hi there! Yes, it’s me, I’m back. After server crashes, life changes, and vanishing into the ether (seriously, I used the tele-ether device sold by ACME Professional Supervillain Industrial LLC – I can’t recommend it enough)… I decided to try blogging again.

I didn’t loose the data from my previous blogs, but configuring them again turned out to be a nightmare. (Pro-tip, folks: if you used to be a linux sysad and think you can handle your own linux box with Ghost installed as your blogging platform, you’ve obviously forgotten how boring and frustrating it is.)

So I will be re-posting some of my transition blog posts, with notes now they’re nearly half a decade old. (Gosh, time flies when you’re uncomfortable getting used to casual sexism and homophobia.)

I will also be posting… whatever I want. I want to blog more. Now I’ve all but stopped using social media apart from the odd insta or twitter blast, I want to try and do this long form. I guess I’ll figure out the details later, but I paid for a year’s web hosting up front so… let’s see what happens?

As for a general life update…

I’ve gotten a bit into electronics, 3d printing, flight simming, and just general makery.

An example of some of the fun I’ve been having outside of business hours:

OpenForge dungeon tiles with magnet connectors
Simpit panels
Arduino Nano-based gaming console
Simpit-in-progress

Once I’m done with the simpit, I plan to get into 8-bit computers, too. Like, building one. I’ve already bought a few MOS 6502 (and Z80 in case I decide on that instead), plus a bunch of useful timer chips, sound chips, interface chips, etc. That’ll be much tougher, but I am apparently always in need of a new hobby.

I’m going to try to update here fairly regularly, if I can, but honestly, we’ll have to see just how I feel. It’s odd getting used to a full time office job again after nearly a decade of working from my garage, so to speak.